After 60 Years, WeightWatchers Says the Hell with It, Take The Drugs
You've eaten your weight in string cheese and you still can't fit into your jeans. Take the Ozempic, already.
Good morning, WW members! It’s great to see so many faces on my screen – that’s the wonderful thing about Zoom, isn’t it? Nobody sees your hips.
Ha, ha. Just kidding. We don’t believe in body shaming here at WW; all bodies are beautiful, they’re just so much more beautiful thin. Fat, they’re kind of disgusting.
Now, for our exciting news: After sixty years of demanding you track every bite of food that goes into your mouth, and making you sick with guilt when you don’t, WW – or, as it was called before our last desperation marketing pitch, “WeightWatchers” – is saying the hell with it and getting into diet drugs.
WW has acquired the online prescription drug weight loss company Sequence and the day the deal was announced WW International stock shot up a stunning seventy-nine percent! Who says there’s no upside to the obesity epidemic in this country?
Oops, sorry, wrong notes…
Here at WW, we are super excited to be partnering with the prescription drug weight loss company Sequence, a leader in the burgeoning field of Why Bother to See a Doctor Who’s Known You For Forty Years When You Can Get It Online.
We’ll soon be able to prescribe drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy which, when combined with side effects of nausea and diarrhea, will allow you to once again indulge in the foods you love: Ice cream, French fries, burgers WITH A BUN. What’s diarrhea when you can wear a size six revenge dress to the Bar Mitzvah your ex is attending with his new wife? It’s in an events space, how far will you ever be from a bathroom? It’s not like any of you will be climbing Mount Fuji.
You had me at burgers with a bun. Give me the details of this thrilling new program.