Archie and Veronica and Betty Are Now a Throuple and It's Not All Peachy Keen

Luckily, I am here to answer their questions -- and yours -- about the latest form of faux intimacy.

Dear Joyce, As you probably know, after decades of dating, Archie Andrews and I finally got married. What you don’t know is that a few months ago, when smooching behind Riverdale High, we invited Betty to join us and it was so wild, we are now a throuple. (Yes, I know, my old arch-rival, Betty. What can I say? I just could not take her tragic, martyred looks whenever she saw Archie and me walking into Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe. And those heteronormative structures were so restrictive! ) Our sex lives are as hot as you’d imagine for 82-year-old people in 17-year-old bodies.

The problem: Although we have been as discreet as three people can be while soixante-neuf et neufing at the drive-in, Jug-Head somehow heard of our arrangement and now he wants in. I cannot stand the jerk, but he is Archie’s best friend and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What do I do? – Veronica Lodge

Veronica, Throuples are a relatively new form of polyamorous bonding and there is a lot of confusion about what comprises such a relationship. Is it just another word for playing around? A signal that a marriage cannot be saved and it will soon be hair transplant time for hubby? A sign reading, “No boundaries here, come on over and take off your pants.”  

Jughead apparently feels that since you and Archie opened your relationship to Betty, you are a frisky slut who’s up for anything. (And on that note, might I add, Brava! Very creative use of Newman’s Own Creamy Ranch dressing! Although you may want to close the living room drapes next time.)  Ask Archie, who is after all Jughead’s friend, to explain that yours is a committed throuple and none of you are playing around. Yet.

Dear Joyce, A good friend is getting married next month. She is well aware that I’ve been in a serious throuple since my kitchen renovation this winter when I found my husband Ward in a clinch with the contractor in the closet where the washer/drier is going to be. So, you will imagine my pain and disappointment when my friend’s wedding invitation came and it was addressed only to my husband and myself. Do I tell her how hurt I am? Send my regrets with no reason given?  Simply let the friendship die? – June Cleaver

June, I understand that you are hurt, but try to remember that what is obvious to you, is not always clear to outsiders. Does your friend really understand that you are part of a committed throuple? She may, for example, think your husband has hooked up with the contractor simply to give him an incentive to show up. It beats homemade muffins. 

I suggest you set up a date with your friend in a quiet place where you can talk freely. Then say, “Darling, you’re a dear friend who’s having a fancy wedding at a restaurant I’ve been dying to check out, especially with somebody else picking up the tab. So, I want to be sure you know: This thing with my husband and the contractor is not just the two of them. The three of us are in a serious, committed relationship. Sometimes it’s a three-way; sometimes two of us pair off and the third stands by with the Swiss Navy lube, hollering encouragement; sometimes we’re all just tired and we argue about whether to watch the Nazi channel or TCM.”  I guarantee that once your friend understands the gravity of this arrangement, she’ll be sending out that plus one. Just don’t let the contractor dance with her at the wedding.

Dear Joyce, I’ve been in a throuple with Jules and Jim for several years and our friends have always understood. (We are French.)  Our sex life was extraordinary. But it’s now been a year since we were intimate. When I’ve tried to initiate le boom-boom, Jules and Jim say they are tired from work or bloated from the cassoulet, even though I have cut back on the beans. Today, Jules mistakenly sent me a sext that made it clear: He and Jim are having an affair. I am so distraught I am thinking of getting in the car and driving off a bridge. What do you advise?— Catherine

Catherine, Don’t take the Citroën. You’ll never get the power you need to break through the guard rails, no matter what you’ve seen in the movies. And why ruin a vintage automobile over two fools who are so wrapped up in one another they cannot give you the love you deserve? The world is full of men who would be delighted to enter into a throuple with a passionate, mature woman. Especially if she brings a friend.

Dear Joyce, My husband, Dr. Charles Bovary, my lover, Leon, and I are now an official throuple. After years of keeping our relationship hidden in the dreary, tradition-bound village of Yonville, we have moved to New York City where we proudly walk down the street hand in hand in hand.

Unfortunately, ever since we arrived, everyone who sees us walking three abreast seems annoyed – even mild young mothers pushing those peculiar double infant conveyances. We get dirty looks and snide comments everywhere we go. The other day, someone pushed Dr. Bovary so hard that he fell and broke his arm. I thought New Yorkers were sophisticated, progressive, and open-minded. What’s going on?— Emma Bovary

Madame Bovary, You’re walking three abreast on New York City sidewalks?  Where Amazon delivery men, belligerent crazies, testosterone-spewing cyclists, Do You Love Animals shakedown artists, caffeine addicted novelists, and thouple women with yeast infections rushing to CVS are all simply trying to go about their lives? Have you any awareness of the social contract? Of basic courtesy?  Move back to Yonville, jerks!

Dear Joyce, It was pretty exciting here at the Simpsons when Homer and I invited Ned Flanders into our bedroom. The sex, I’ve got to say, was unbelievable, and I appreciated the way Ned always smoothed the sheets afterward. But now we’ve fallen into something of a rut. I don’t want to shock you, but I’ve heard that some people use pornographic movies to spice things up. Do you think there might be any films with three people having sex? — Marge Simpson

Marge: Not a thing.