BREAKING: Orphan Monkey Punch Seizes Gun, Slays Tormentor at Ichikawa Zoo

"Who's crying now?" the baby macaque shrieked before opening fire.

Punch, his beloved Ikea plushie at his side, takes revenge at the Ichikawa zoo in Japan.

ICHIKAWA, JAPAN — Punch, the Japanese snow monkey who won hearts internationally after being abandoned by his mother and bonding with an orange plushie orangutan, apparently went berserk this morning, snatching a pistol from a tourist at the Ichikawa City Zoo and shooting one of his macaque tormentors dead.

Then, as terrified tourists ran for cover, Punch-kun, as he is known here, dragged the deceased monkey atop a high, rocky outpost in the zoo’s Monkey Mountain and taunted him as dozens of macaques cowered desperately below.

“Whose mommy doesn’t love him now?” Punch yelled, in a transcript obtained from Apple Translate, kicking the deceased monkey in the head. “Not such a big shot now, are you? What’s the matter, none of your brothers and sisters want to claim you? That’s right, when the going gets tough, we’re all orphans.”

The dead macaque, whose name was not released by zoo officials, was a large snow monkey who had been seen days earlier, in an assault captured on video, spinning Punch around by an arm and a leg and then flinging him violently across the compound.

The bereft little Punch — small even by pitiful orphan standards —is seen running to his plush orange toy, clutching it, and cowering behind a rock.

Today was apparently payback time, although guns are strictly controlled in Japan and authorities remain uncertain how Punch’s weapon, a Glock 17, which can carry 33 rounds at a time and is accurate to a range of 55 yards, had made it through customs. Concerns grew as it became apparent that Punch had a stockpile of weapons.

“This has obviously been in the planning stage for a while,” a zoo official who begged anonymity told this reporter. “Looking back, we should have gotten suspicious when Punch started watching Seven Samurai every night. But what could we have done? We don’t have metal detectors. We’re just a little zoo, one hour and twenty-two minutes by subway from Tokyo; 440 yen admission for adults, 110 yen for children. We’re not equipped for the number of tourists this Punch generated. Direct non-stop flights daily between New York and Tokyo on Japan Airlines, All Nippon Airways, and United.”

Does law enforcement have any idea how so many weapons were smuggled to Punch?

“Our best bet is a Girl Scout troop from Tallahassee,” the official said. “They were here a week ago and they were pretty rowdy. Tossing Thin Mint cookies at the monkeys, who were, of course, going wild. I realize now that was a diversion, because when this was going on, Punch wasn’t anywhere around. And Mother Abandonment and a need for sweets — that’s textbook.”

Sources are also reporting that the orange Ikea plushie Punch loves has been loaded with dynamite and is now a bomb.

“I can neither confirm nor deny,” the official said. “I can tell you that an Ikea rep I spoke to this morning is heartsick about what this will do to sales. Still, as he said, there’s always Florida.”