Heathcliff is Staying ALL Summer? Who's Doing The Laundry?
Are summer house guests exhausting you? Take heart. It was always thus.
Ext. — Garden of Eden, A Glorious Day in Summer
Adam and Eve, two magnificent examples of humans, in fact, the only examples of humans, are lounging on their deck, eating the fruits of the earth, grilling a few of the animals whereof, and enjoying life.
Adam: You know what I love about Eden? It’s so peaceful. I mean, we’ve got loads of animals, too many, probably, but they more or less take care of themselves, and the flowers are varied and plentiful, and the fruit? Who says you can never find a good peach in summer?
SLIMY, a large boa constrictor, and his mate, SQUEEZIE, appear in the driveway, dragging enormous wheelie bags.
Squeezie: Yoo, hoo, we’re here! This place! Oh. My. God. Even more gorgeous than you said! But that path through the grasses and the herb-yielding seed and the tree-yielding fruit whose seed was in itself; I thought we’d never get here.
Slimy: It is pretty secluded. Coming up, we saw nothing. I said to Squeeze, “It’s beautiful all right, but what do they do all day?”
Adam: (Whispering to Eve) Do we know those snakes?)
Eve: I met them at the Creation. I might have said they must come visit us in the new place, but I never thought they’d take us up on it.
Eve turns to the guests.
Eve: What a surprise! Welcome! You must be exhausted. Please, sit. Can I get you a drink? Wine? Beer? We have a lovely rosé.
Slimy: Actually, you know what would be great, if it isn’t too much trouble? A Fat Washed Mezcal. You’ve got ancho chiles and guajillo chiles and chipotle chiles and pork fat and Mexican oregano in the house, right?
Adam: Uh…
Squeezie: (Reaching into her bag.) I almost forgot! We brought you something. I hope they didn’t get bruised. From the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil – I’m sure you’ve heard about them – apples! You’re going to love them!
***
Int. – Exquisitely restored mid-modern house in Rhinebeck, New York. August.
The LONE RANGER arrives in the living room on his horse SILVER, followed by TONTO on his horse, SCOUT.
Lone Ranger: Hi-ho, guys! (He waves his white hat in greeting as Silver rears up. A $5,000 Stilnovo pendant chandelier crashes to the floor.) I hope everyone’s good with the horses. We were going to board them, but with the holiday every place was booked and you’ll see, they’re good horsies, aren’t you, Silver? Show them what a smart horse you are. (Silver bows down, shattering a glass coffee table. Two hundred dollars worth of cheese from Citarella splatters across the floor.) You won’t even know they’re here. We brought their food. Just show me where we can put down the troughs. Tonto, would you bring in the hay?
***
Int. – A seaside villa in Deauville, on a cloudless day in July.
EMMA BOVARY and her husband CHARLES arrive in the tranquil drawing room of Emma’s convent school chum, ANTOINETTE, who was boring when the two were at school but has become much more interesting since she inherited a place on the beach.
Charles: What a delightful room! And what a charming --
Emma: (Interrupting.) Oh, Charles, you do go on. Do something useful and get the luggage.
Charles exits:
Emma: (Seizing her chum’s hand.) Darling Angela, I mean, Antoinette. May I confide in you? My marriage was a mistake, Charles is a bore, and if somewhere there exists a strong, handsome being, with a valorous nature, at once exalted and refined, with the heart of a poet in the shape of an angel, a lyre with strings of brass, sounding elegiac epithalamiums to the heavens, then why on earth haven’t I been able to find him? I don’t suppose you have any vodka in the house.
Charles returns, staggering under the weight of three leather grips, two hat boxes and a large satchel.
Emma: Where’s the steamer trunk?
Charles: What steamer trunk? You never told me about a steamer trunk.
Emma: Of course, I did. I told you last night. Don’t forget the steamer trunk, because I need to take my summer-weight bustles. We’ve been married five years. Do you really think my ass is this big?
Charles: Oh, Emma. I’m sure it doesn’t matter. We’re at the beach. Nobody wears bustles at the beach.
Emma: Of course, they do. Tell him, Appolonia.
Antoinette: Actually, we’re really very casual here.
Emma: She’s just being nice. Now I’m going to have to go to dinner sweating like an animal and everyone will know we’re hicks from the sticks. I might as well have a sticker with Yonville pasted on my head.
Antoinette: Would you like to see your room? I’ve chosen the pink suite, overlooking the ocean. I’m sure you’ll be very comfortable.
Emma and Charles follow their hostess to their suite.
Emma: Oh, God, Charles, those socks…
***
Int. — Wuthering Heights, a manor house on the moors, on a fine summer day — for England.
HINDLEY EARNSHAW, the wastrel heir to the manor, gropes through the morning fog for his morning claret and pours it onto his cornflakes. Outside, Hindley’s younger sister CATHY is yelling.
Cathy: HEATHCLIFF! HEATHCLIFF!
Cathy enters: Where is that man? I hope you’re taking him with you when you ride to hounds this morning; one more day of him underfoot and I’ll throw myself off the cliffs. The brooding, the sullenness, the laundry. Did you know he insists on sleeping under a dirt top sheet? This was the summer I was supposed to better myself and I’m boiling three vats a day. I can’t tell you how much lye I’ve gone through. I feel like I'm running a hotel.
Hindley: Ixnay on the fox hunt. He doesn’t have the right clothes, he doesn’t know how to ride, he doesn’t even have a last name. Yesterday he insulted Lord Pederast, who exploits more chimney sweeps than anyone in London.
Cathy: Well, then, take him to the club and let him hang out at the pool.
Hindley: Forget it. He already embarrassed me asking the pool boys how long they’re indentured. Why Father invited him, I’ll never know. And now we’re stuck.
Cathy: Father died this morning.
Hindley: (Smiling for the first time since Heathcliff arrived.) You mean…?
Heathcliff bounds into the room in threadbare white flannels, carrying a racket.
Heathcliff: Tennis, anyone?
Hindley: Heathcliff, I’m afraid I have some disappointing news…
Cathy: (Jumping in.) It’s Granny. We just got a wire. She’s arriving this afternoon. And she travels with such a large entourage, I’m afraid we’re going to need your room. I’m so sorry. I feel just awful about this.
Hindley: Just when we were having so much fun and you were getting the hang of the hounds.
I'm off to try claret & cornflakes for breakfast.
Very clever. But what about the aphids?