I'm Sorry I Blanked on Your Name -- It's This Damn COVID brain.

It's a poor illness that provides no excuse.

“Oh, no!!! I missed your daughter’s reveal party!!”

I’m so sorry I blanked on your name — it’s this damn COVID brain!

Your book? I bought it after your fourth reminder on Facebook and I’m loving it. What was that beautiful passage that had me in tears? My COVID brain fog is so awful, I can’t remember a thing. 

Your renewal of vows on top of Mount Washington? I wouldn’t dream of missing it. But with long COVID, I get winded going to the refrigerator.

Oh, is that the prescription line? My mind is so hazy with COVID brain I didn’t see it. But please, go right ahead. Don’t mind my coughing. I test constantly, though my first two home tests came back negative and my oxygen level was under ninety. I don’t know how I managed to call EMS. My strength comes and goes. Would it be okay if I lean against your shoulder while we wait?

An extra ticket to “The Days of Wine and Roses”? It is so sweet of you to think of me. But I don’t know where I am with COVID these days and with Paxlovid rebounds I could infect the whole audience. And, if we’re lucky, the cast.

You missed me at your daughter’s reveal party? Wait – it was last Sunday? How is that possible, I wrote it in my calendar! Oh, gee, it looks like I put it down under March.  This damn COVID brain has me confused about everything. And I’d gotten the cutest little stuffed unicorn at the toy store in my neighborhood. The only ones they had were blue, but it came with a little vial of hormones in case it feels trapped in the wrong body later.

Forgive the mess in the apartment. With Long Covid, who has the strength to vacuum? Why yes, it would be great if you could just tidy up around the kitchen. And maybe change the sheets — lifting the mattress is so exhausting. And would it be too much – I hate to ask – to pop down to the deli and get me some Chunky Monkey?

I’m calling to cancel my Colonoscopy. I seem to have long COVID and I don’t have the strength to do anything. Yes, I’m aware I’ll be lying down for it, but out of the blue my heart starts skipping beats and I’d hate to die on the table. Though I’m sure no lawyer would blame the hospital.  

Normally, I’d love to be part of the group protesting the development of whatever anyone proposes in Woodstock. It’s a great concept. And February is such a lovely time to be upstate, especially with that black ice – it separates the real drivers from the city people, who, I agree, are ruining everything. But just having had COVID, it would be irresponsible of me to attend.

Arnold, darling! You had a hot dream about our night of bliss when we were in our twenties and you were just another bodybuilder and you want to get in your private jet and come to New York and see me! I just had COVID, but according to the new CDC guidelines, that’s no reason to isolate. And who dies of COVID anymore?  Eight tonight? Perfect.