Madame Butterfly Waits for Her Indy Book Contract
An Opera in Two Acts.
ACT ONE
INT: Greenwich Village Living Room, Day
CIO CIO SAN, a woman of a certain age, opens the window of her apartment in Greenwich Village. We know Cio Cio San is of a certain age, because the manuscript of a novel is beside her and who makes hard copies anymore?
Cio Cio San picks up her manuscript and tosses pages out the window, just as her loyal cleaning lady, SUZUKI, rushes in.
Suzuki: No, Madam, no! You must not destroy it! Your book has such wit, such imagination, such originality! Anyway, it is time for a flashback.
CUT TO
A divided stage: Cio Cio San’s apartment and the home of AGENT SAN, as nobody works out of the office anymore.
Cio Cio San: (On speaker.) Oh, what joy! After forty rejections, someone wants me!! My comic novel, too weird, Jewish, and sexy for some and not weird, Jewish and sexy enough for others, will at last be published – I shall expire from happiness!!
Agent San: I share your happiness. Of course, Pinkerton Press is a small publisher, just one guy. There won’t be a big advance. Pinkerton’s opening offer is no money, but I think I can get him up to some money when pigs fly. And they’re doing a lot of exciting work with pigs these days.
Cio Cio San: I was once told, at an animal sanctuary, that a two-year-old pig is smarter than a two-year-old human. If any animal can learn to fly, it will be a pig.
Cio Cio San and Agent San sing the tender, hopeful duet, “When Little Piggies Fly.”
Agent San
(To the tune of ‘Un Bel Di, Vedremo’, the only Madame Butterfly aria anyone knows.)
When little piggies fly through the morning sky
Or in the afternoon.
You will see your book in the window of a small but prestigious bookstore
In the Hudson Valley.
Cio Cio San:
When little piggies fly, as I know they will,
I will do the rounds of all the Jewish book clubs,
And perhaps, even make it to Rizzoli.
Agent San: Sure, why not?
Cio Cio San
When little piggies fly, HBO will come begging.
I kind of know Frank Rich, who was very involved in “Succession”
And he’s always liked my stuff.
I think.
Agent San
Pinkerton, I forgot to tell you, wants all the residual rights.
Ha! Ha ha ha — no wait, that’s Pagliacci.
And for you to handle promotion.
And the entrance fee to the Jewish Book Council.
Cio Cio San
I’ll do it all! I do not care.
My love is that strong.
Just get me the contract.
ACT TWO
Int: Cio Cio San’s apartment, Day:
Cio Cio San, in a Catskills T-shirt with Chunky Monkey stains, is sitting on the couch, dully staring at her computer screen. A near-empty bottle of orange- flavored Stoly is beside her.
Cio Cio San: (Muttering to herself.) The junk file — I’ll just check the junk file again. I haven’t done it for ten minutes. That’s probably where the contract is.
Cio Cio San’s best friend, HERB SAN, enters. His face is green, for he is jaded.
Herb San: Cio Cio San, I know how much this book means to you. But you have been staring at the computer screen for three years now, waiting for Pinkerton. It is time to be reasonable, like your friend Carmen. Get out of the apartment, steal somebody’s boyfriend, then dump him. Go to the gym with Tosca. I hear she’s into Extreme Sports, now: jumping off towers. Convince Mimi to go to a doctor. I ran into her the other day. Her cough was awful and her little hand was cold.
Cio Cio San: Carmen, Tosca, Mimi, please. What do they know of despair?
Herb: There’s always self-publishing.
Cio Cio San: Never! I have more self-respect than that! I am a professional courtesan. Anyway…do you mind moving extreme stage right, like to the fire exit, this is my big number..
Cio Cio San puts aside her computer, grabs the Stoly, polishes it off, then sings:
It will come, it will come.
Like a ship on the harbor.
There will be an alert, a little ding on the computer and it will be here.
The terms will be in my favor;
Twelve percent of the net amount received by the publisher after
Expenses on hardcover or trade paperback and if an index is required,
Someone else will do it.
One fine day, it will come…
But I will not answer it immediately,
I will remain non-responsive for five minutes
To tease Pinkerton and as to not die from happiness
I with secure faith wait.
A loud DING is heard.
Cio Cio San clutches her heart. She and Herb San rush to the computer.
Cio Cio San: It’s from Pinkerton Press. They have to delay the deal. Pinkerton’s dog is sick.
Cio Cio San grabs the manuscript, rushes to the open window and leaps.
Herb San: (Wailing melodiously.)
Nooooooooooo!!!
The Curtain Falls
Next Week: Musetta, convinced she has hundreds of admirers who follow her every move, starts a column on Substack.
Perhaps you can rewrite your novel as a puppet show. They have become very trendy. Then someone can turn it into a graphic novel, that way someone in Hollywood (age 23, just up from whatever counts as the mailroom now -- systems administration?) will read it and it can become a Netflix movie. Yes?
Even Rizzoli?