On a Scale of One to Five, How Annoying is Filling Out This Health Form?
How about a stroke? How annoying would you find that?
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Have there been any changes in your health since you last filled out this medical form?
Did you find filling out the form annoying? Rate the level of annoyance on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the least annoying and 5 being the most.
How annoying would you find a stroke, 1 being the level where you have trouble remembering the name of the guy in that Vegas heist movie who was once married to Streisand, 5 being the level at which you need someone to carry you to the bathroom?
How annoying would you find colon cancer, curable in the early stages, but not in the case of the guy sitting opposite you, who crumpled up his health form two years ago and now has three months to live? His ex and her new husband took him in and he has to listen to them have sex from his hospital bed in the living room which he shares with their gassy dog. That lump in his pants is his colostomy bag. Don’t stare.
List the dates of your flu, COVID, HPV, shingles, polio, and measles vaccines going back to age ten.
What was the weather on the dates of your flu, COVID, HPV, shingles, polio, and measles vaccines?
Are you aware that legendary songwriter Doc Pomus, who spent his life in a wheelchair, was sent as a child to a camp in upstate New York to avoid a polio epidemic and, ironically, contracted polio there? Just saying.
In the last two weeks have you had fever, coughing, excessive fatigue, last rites, or been exposed to anyone with COVID?
What about the bagger at Trader Joe’s, who coughed all over the grapes?
In the last three months, have you found find yourself depressed, without energy, or unable to get a new canister for the Sodastream though it has been sitting on the counter all summer?
Do you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or others, not including Vivek Ramaswamy?
Do you smoke? Can I bum one?
How many drinks of alcohol do you have in a typical week?
Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves, clear a hangover, or because you were out of decaf?
Has anyone, for example a state trooper on the New York State Thruway, mentioned your drinking to you?
Since your last examination, have you gotten up in the middle of the night and waited for City MD to open up with any of the following medical conditions? Check all that apply:
Lyme Disease, from a bite that doesn’t look exactly like a target, but you know came from an infected tick because you were hiking in the woods in Woodstock two days earlier and saw a deer.
AFib, which began after Spin class and gets worse every time you look it up.
Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 3.
Flesh-eating virus in a sore in your mouth that’s too far back for you to get a good look.
The disease that led that week’s Times’ Diagnosis feature.
Are you sexually active?
Have you had unprotected sex since your last examination?
If so, on a scale of 1 to 5, how much better was it than protected sex?
Do you agree that sex with a rubber is like taking a shower in a raincoat?
Did you find the scene in “And Just Like That” in which Charlotte tells her husband to “come on my tits” repulsive or did it secretly turn you on?
Have you ever considered anal bleaching? No judgment.
On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate the person with whom you had unprotected sex, and what is their phone number?
When was the date of your last colonoscopy?
If you have never had a colonoscopy one will be scheduled for you, under the able hand of a first-year medical student, with the rest of the student body observing.
For your examination, would you prefer an Egyptian cotton spa robe you can take home or a stained cotton blend that is missing the belt and you are unable to close? JOKE! Just change into this paper robe and run as fast as you can to the exam room at the end of the hallway.
Good one. Doc pomus cowrote sweets for my sweet for the drifters
Bless you, Joyce Wadler. Without your brilliant forays into darkness -- along with a nightly dose of Scaredketchup on Youtube -- I would disintegrate into a quivering mass of overearnestness.