Art by Jeff Danziger, Rutland Herald
Potus is on the phone. Behind him is a line of other inmates.
Potus: So if Zelensky were to, um, you know, go away very, very suddenly, wouldn’t that end the war? No, I mean, he’s gone, disappears, stops coming in to the office, get it? And then I issue a statement saying how sad I am. Very, very sad. So then we could end the war, right?
Ugly Inmate: Time’s up, motherfucker. You been droolin’ on that phone for an hour.
Potus: That’s President Motherfucker, my friend. Hey, This is a big deal. Do you know who I’m talking to?
Ugly Inmate: I don’t care if it’s Kim fuckin’ Kardashian. Gimme the phone, bitch.
Potus: I’ll tell you who. It’s the Vice President of the United States. That’s right, Ivanka.
Ugly Inmate: Oh, well, in that case, gimme the phone, bitch.
Potus: Jeez, come on, I’m trying to win the Nobel Peace Prize here. This is very important.
Ugly Inmate: So’s your liver, which I’m about to stick somethin’ sharp and nasty into.
A Secret Service agent holding a small machine gun approaches.
Agent: Sir, excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you to step back in line and pocket that shiv.
Ugly Inmate: Oh, shit, man, you secret-ass surfacers is messin’ up the whole age-old penal threat-and-intimidation system. Now that ain’t right.
II.
The office of Superintendent Chandler P. Eggwhite Jr.
Eggwhite: Mr. President, you’ve been a model prisoner, and I’m so proud you were elected while incarcerated right here in my little correctional institution. That was a first for us.
Potus: Yeah, I know. And the Democrooks almost stole it from us again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Thank God for the Saudi Arabian vote, right?
Eggwhite: Yessir! I didn’t think they’d be admitted to the union so fast, but the good old Supreme Court rushed the case through and there you go.
Potus: So what’s on your mind, Chandler?
Eggwhite: It’s kind of embarrassing, Mr. President.
Potus: C’mon, out with it, guy. I’m a big boy. Smart, too.
Eggwhite: Well, sir, the suit. Some of the inmates and C.O.s are raising a stink. And the media. They say it’s unfair the other inmates have to wear prison uniforms, but you don’t.
Potus: Of course the fake media. Enemies of America. You know, most of them are Socialists. I heard that from a very smart guy. Terribly bad, no-good people, the fake media.
Eggwhite: Tell me about it.
Potus: Honestly, Chandler, orange on orange, that’s not a good look for me. Now the blue suit and red tie, it’s my brand. The public expects to see me in that. Besides, a prison jumpsuit, it’ll make me look like a crook. I’m the fucking President, not some jailbird.
Eggwhite: I was thinking, maybe a navy blue jumpsuit? With “Make America Great Again” stenciled on the back instead of “Bureau of Prisons.” We could put it together right in our tailor shop.
Potus: That’s not bad. In fact, why not make a bunch of ‘em and sell em to the public. Damn, this could be my nicest income stream since Trump University.
III.
The oval-shaped cell of the Potus. The bars and the toilet/sink fixture are gold-colored.
Secret Service agent: You have a visitor, Mr. President.
Potus: Is it Melania? Has she come at last?
Agent: No, sir. President Xi is here to see you.
President Xi appears in the corridor. A corrections officer unlocks the cell door and admits him.
Potus: Whoa! There he is! My favorite Oriental potentate. Welcome, big guy.
Xi: Jesus H. Confucius! Can you believe the bastards frisked me three times!
Potus: Yeah, sorry, it’s an outrageous outrage but what can ya do?
Xi: I brought you some dumplings, but they were confiscated. Alas, I had brought both pork and shrimp, as variety is an important component of the well-balanced diet.
Potus: Fucking Feds. Hey, I’d Like you to meet my cellmate, Mama Stabber Matthews. He’s a Black man.
Mama Stabber: I am not.
Potus: You know, the Blacks all support me; the fake media lie about that. Did you know the media are 94 percent fascist?
Xi: Nice to meet you, Mama Stabber. My country has a growing number of Black people. We’re up to six now.
Mama Stabber: Yo, whassup, yo’ majesty. I din’t really stab nobody. I was framed.
Potus: He’s guilty.
Mama Stabber: Hey, grab my bunk, king. I gotta go to my job in the tailor shop, sew up some a them MAGA jumpsuits. Motherfuckers be flyin’ outta here.
Mama Stabber exits. Xi sits.
Xi: Now that we are alone, perhaps we may firm up our tentative agreement regarding Taiwan. You will not oppose our invasion, correct?
Potus: Right. I’m strictly hands off. But first the tunnel has gotta be finished. That was the deal.
Xi: Progress has been made, but there are problems. Heavy rainfall and unexpectedly high temperatures caused by climate change have resulted in mudslides and cave-ins.
Potus: Climate change is a liberal myth, Jinping.
Xi: I’m fucking with you, Donald! The tunnel is finished! Ta-da!
There is a crash and a crew of Chinese hardhats, wielding shovels and pick axes, burst out of a wall. They seize Potus and push him into the tunnel.
Potus: Where does this come out, anyway?
Xi: Beijing. Have a nice trip! Watch out for the booby traps and the giant, blood-sucking earthworms!
Potus: Bye! I wish Melania had visited me at least once. Damn, it’s dark down here. Some people say the Biden crime family controls the entire…
Potus’ babbling grows fainter and finally can no longer be heard.
**
A lifetime of dealing with publishing idiots has left Lewis Grossberger, AKA Media Person, the legendary columnist of “Mediaweek” and “Seven Days”, a bitter shell of a man. But maybe if we all clap loudly enough — and write, “Come back, Lew!” in the comments — he’ll do this again sometime. Maybe even start his own Substack.
JHC, this is fine.
Clever, right on top of things