Queen Camilla's Side Chick Convention in New York City

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Illustration by Jeff Danziger

Good evening, ladies, and welcome to the Side Chick Convention! 

We’ve got an exciting weekend planned: Workshops, compassionate pet cookery, the latest in surveillance technology, and of course, the big event: our early morning live stream of the coronation of Queen Camilla, the world’s most successful Other Woman, direct from Westminster Abbey.

And who is that guy who’ll be accompanying her?  King Just Give Me a Few Years to Let the Boys Adjust to the Idea?  King Doesn’t Want to Upset Mummy?  Just kidding. It took him a few decades, but King Charles III finally stepped up and did the right thing. And wouldn’t we have loved to have been in the room when he broke the news to his sons about Camilla’s new title?

You know the woman you’ve been ragging on all your lives? We’re dropping the consort thing and as of Coronation Day your Majestic Step-Mum is going to be Queen Camilla. That bit about leaving a room by stepping backward when in the presence of a monarch? We’re bringing it back. But just for you.

Before I forget, ladies, can we get a shout-out for the convention’s official sponsor? Smirnoff vodka? Those long holiday weekends and Sunday mornings would be pretty bleak without it. YAY, Smirnoff! The side chick's bestie! In addition to the Smirnoff at your tables, you’ll find a complimentary bottle in your room, next to the coffee caddy. Hey, it’s always “But you promised to tell her” time somewhere, right?

Now, a toast:

“To Queen Camilla – the most successful side chick in the world! You reign, girl!”

And speaking of women who’ve inspired us all, let’s have a big hand for tonight’s keynote speaker, Ms. Glenn Close. Will you stand up, Glenn?  I see you’ve brought an adorable little bunny. Well, ladies, you’ll know who to blame if you get fur in your teeth at dinner.  

 Haha, just kidding! That’s not a real rabbit, it’s a lifelike, water-resistant replica, specially built to withstand temperatures of up to 250 degrees. What’s the boiling point of water? Oh, c’mon, don’t be shy, I know you know it.  That’s right, 212 degrees! You’ll find a whole range of life-like rabbits, kittens, and puppies at the vendor’s pavilion in the Zirconia Room on the second floor.

Can you think of a better way to send a message? HE comes home from a Memorial Day weekend in the country with the family and Peter Rabbit is bobbing up and down in the bubbling pot. That will teach him to toy with your feelings.  And if you’re old school, we also have Havahart traps. Because -- what’s the line from Sweeney Todd? -- them pussycats is quick.

And them summers is long. You’re stuck in the city, He’s up in Hudson with his ever-expanding family. He tells you they haven’t had sex for years and suddenly she’s three months pregnant. The bastard. WAITER!! Over here!

 But this is a time for celebration, ladies. So, raise your glasses.

 “To love!!! And long holiday weekends, when traffic accidents peak!”

 And before we hear from our speakers, just a few housekeeping reminders:

Wifi, of course, is free to all of our attendees to make sure you never miss a text from HIM. The password is Klonopin140mg.    

 To accommodate everyone who wants to attend, the Top Ten Boyfriend Tracking Apps talk will now be held in the Unnaturally Tan Room. And since an essential part of surveillance is not getting caught, I’d encourage everyone to check out the latest line of burner phones, which are being offered to attendees at a fifteen percent discount. You’ll find them in the vendors’ pavilion, next to the crotchless panties.  

I must also remind you that this is a women-only convention, so even if HE suddenly has an unexpected hour when he can cut out of the kid’s birthday party, remember this is our time. It will be good for him to miss you. Do any of you want to be the sort of woman who’s available every time her boyfriend snaps his fingers?

No, that didn’t require a show of hands.

Let’s keep in mind that none of us here are involved in a fly-by-night affair. There will be other times to get together at a fancy hotel. As long as he doesn’t cancel again at the last minute. After you paid $448 for that Kairaku Garden Charmeuse Lace Slit Silk Natori nightgown. You’re going to be getting a lot of wear out of that now. Sitting around watching “Love With The Proper Stranger” on TCM.  

 But hell, that’s why God created vodka.

 A toast!

“To TCM and Ben Mankiewicz!”

He’s a hot little number. Too bad he's married. But when has that ever stopped us?

And now, let’s have a big welcome for the fabulous Glenn Close!