In Surprise Move, Springfield's Lisa Simpson Endorses Trump

"Eating our cats -- especially the cute ones -- has to stop!"

Haitian immigrants excitedly exchange kitten burger recipes.

SRINGFIELD, USA -- In a surprise move, Lisa Simpson, long-time liberal and Springfield’s favorite daughter, has endorsed Donald Trump for President.

“Foreigners have been taking away our jobs for years,” Simpson said. “Princess Kaguya, Howl, Kiki -- that whole Ghibli studio gang. I respect talent, so I’ve said nothing. But when ungrateful illegal immigrants start eating our pets, that’s something else. I had my suspicions when Baby Shark went missing. And now with Snoopy’s agent unable to find him for days…enough is enough.”

Simpson’s remarks came on the heels of the Harris-Trump Debate, in which Donald Trump repeated running mate J.D. Vance’s claim that illegal Haitian immigrants were eating pets in Springfield.  

“Donald Trump is a moron,” Simpson said. “His insistence that tariffs will combat inflation and help preserve the dollar’s pre-eminent role in the global economy is nonsense that an eight-year-old can refute.  But Tuesday night he had the nerve to say what no one else did: ‘In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs, the people that came in. They’re eating the cats.’ So this November, for the first time, I’ll be voting Republican.”

Told that the Springfield city manager had said there were no credible reports of pets harmed, injured, or abused, Simpson sneered.

“Of course he’d say that,” Simpson said. “Like Trump said, he’s embarrassed. We all are. But you can turn your back on this stuff for only so long. We all know that foreigners eat pets, the cuter the better. You hear them at the butcher: ‘Barak, you got anything really adorable for me today?’”

Oh, c’mon, Simpson, who always impressed us with her common sense, can’t really believe anyone would eat Snoopy.

“Why not?” Simpson asked? “He’s the perfect size for an immigrant family of twelve. Apu,  an Indian immigrant I know personally — for years he was the only foreigner in Springfield — has made cat biryani for years. Some people found it convenient. You don’t get around to having your cat spayed, you’re stuck with a batch of kittens, call Apu. But with millions of immigrants in this country, most of whom are criminals or come from a country with criminals or have read a book about criminals, it’s out of control.”

Simpson paused, to break up a block of copy.

“In Springfield, we’ve had dozens of hamsters disappear in the last year,” Simpson continued. “ You know why? We have a big Haitian population and they don’t have hamsters back in Haiti, so they consider them a delicacy. Go to any Haitian neighborhood and you’ll see the proof — discarded hamster wheels, spinning in the backyard. Another thing: Sometimes people forget to lock the back door and next thing you know, the dog is missing. Does it get any clearer than that?”

This sounds like racist gossip. We’re disappointed that Lisa Simpson is spreading such nonsense. Does she have any real evidence?  

“Please,” Simpson said. “I live in Springfield. It’s as real as I am.”