Quentin Tarantino Directs "The Sound of Music"

The long-awaited remake is finally here!

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Ext -- A summer day on a glorious mountain meadow in Austria, 1938.

AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG FRAULEIN, full of the joy of life under German occupation, is singing.

Fraulein: The hills are alive with the sound of music, with songs they have –

A GUNSHOT rings out. The fraulein falls to the ground, gut shot.

Fraulein: Aieeee! Aaarrghh! Auf wiedersehen, cruel vorld!

Camera ZOOMS IN on bloodied bits of intestine, schnitzel, and sheet music.

LT. ALDO RAINE and his team of EIGHT SOLDIERS, known to their mothers as the Inglourious Basterds, come out from behind the trees and peer down at the fraulein, now deceased. Basterd HIRSCHBERG holsters his smoking gun.

Lt. Raine: God darn it, Hirschberg, why’d ya have to go and do that?

Pvt. Hirschberg: I hate show tunes. Now can I scalp her?

Lt. Raine: No, you may not. I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily, and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to kill frauleins. I come to kill Naaahzees.

The voice of MARIA, another fraulein, is heard, singing even louder.

Maria: The hills fill my heart with the sound of music….

Lt. Raine: Goddamn, there’s another one. It’s like a god-damned plague. No, don’t shoot her. I got me an idea.

CUT TO:

INT: -- Convent.

Maria, a novitiate whose wholesome good looks make you wonder why she is not off milking a goat, is meeting with the MOTHER SUPERIOR, SEVERAL NUNS, Lt. Raine, and the inglorious Basterds, one of whom, SGT. DONNY DONOWITZ has discreetly exposed his pfefferbeißer and is waggling it flirtatiously at a not entirely uninterested novitiate.  

Lt. Raine: Zip it up, Donny!! This ain’t no time for courtin’. (Cont’d, to Mother Superior) And so, your Motherliness, what I’m proposin’ is to marry this here Maria off to Captain von Trapp, who has secretly been writin’ one Naaahzee grant after another and settin’ up Naaahzee workshops and such on his property. And the next time he throws a Naaahzee shin-dig, I say we get in there and wipe them all out.

Mother Superior: Would you say annihilating these men is your dream? (Singing.) A dream that will need all the love you can give? Every day of your life for as long as you live?

Lt. Raine: (hurriedly) No,  Ma’am, I would not. I  –

A SHOT RINGS OUT.

The Mother Superior clutches her bleeding chest, climbs up to the choir balcony, then falls, slow-mo, down to the stone floor, shattering her skull like a watermelon.

The camera ZOOMS IN on her pureed brain matter with the single-mindedness of an obsessed admirer, though not one to whom you’d give your real number. All the nuns, except Maria, whip out Lugers. There is a ferocious battle in which four nuns, three Basterds, and a kitten with whiskers that has wandered into the wrong convent at the wrong time, are mowed down.

Camera ZOOMS IN on bloodied bits of fur, catgut, and Purina kitten schnitzel, then ZOOMS BACK to Maria and Lt. Raine, coolly surveying the scene.

Lt. Raine: So, I’m suspecting you don’t have any problems marrying that Naaahzee lover?

Maria: Are you kidding? A man with money versus getting up at 4:00 a.m. for early morning prayers and deep-cleaning the convent? I have already packed my guitar and five of my most alluring dirndls.  And Captain von Trapp has seven children. That means he has maybe had sex, yah?

CUT TO:

Ext: Von Trapp estate.

CAPTAIN GEORG VON TRAPP, suave and handsome, is kicking his fiancé, BARONESS ELSA SCHRADER, and her TEN PIECES OF MATCHING LUGGAGE, to the curb.

HAT BOX: Ouch!

COSMETIC BAG: Owwwww!!

STEAMER TRUNK WITH DRAWERS: Ugggghhhhh!

Captain von Trapp: It’s over, Baroness! You’re gorgeous, witty, and a great dancer, but I’ve fallen for a nun school drop-out with a bad haircut, who is guaranteed never to have had an STD. Have a good life and heil Hitler when you see him!

CUT TO

Ext. -- Von Trapp estate, Christmas Eve. Lt. Raine and the five remaining Basterds are flipping through the script of “The Dirty Dozen”, reviewing the scenes on chateau storming.

CUT TO

Int. – Estate Ballroom.

Maria – now Maria von Trapp – is dressed in an elegant couture dirndl, made especially for her by Nazi collaborator Coco Chanel. She is surrounded by Captain von Trapp and the SEVEN TRAPP CHILDREN. Looking on are ADOLPH HITLER, EVA  BRAUN, HERMANN GÖRING, JOSEPH GOEBBELS, and SEVERAL DOZEN SENTIMENTAL GESTAPO OFFICERS who love nothing more than family singing groups, though killing Jews comes close.

Von Trapp Family Singers: (Singing) Edelweiss, edelweiss, every morning you greet me. Small und vite, clean und bright --

CUT TO

Int. – Chateau corridor.

Lt. Raine and the Basterds are playing Hand Grenade Basketball with party stragglers, which is just like American basketball, except that the Nazis are the baskets.

The sweet strains of “Edelweiss” drift into the hall.

Pvt. Hirschberg: Wait!! Is that a goddamn show tune???

CUT TO

Int. — Ballroom

Enraged, the Basterds storm the ballroom, gunning down Hitler, his entourage, Captain von Trapp, and his entire family.

Maria, mortally wounded, manages to get up on one elbow.

Maria: (Singing) There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple, too…

Pvt. Hirschberg takes aim at Maria.

Lt. Raine throws himself between them.

Hirschberg’s bullet hits Lt. Raine in the chest. Raine falls dead atop Maria.

Maria: (Shoving off Raine’s body and singing with her last breath, determined to finish the number.) Goooood night!

Maria’s head falls heavily to the floor, dead, along with the rest of her body.

The camera zooms in on the bloodied bodies of Maria and Lt. Raine as heart-warming music crescendos.

THE END

NEXT WEEK: Quentin Tarantino’s, “It’s a Miserable Life”.