U.S. Navy Captains Do Not Have to Go on Dating Sites to Meet Women
And other life lessons I can't believe I still have to explain to you.
The three big lies in the ‘80s were: You can trust me, The check is in the mail, and I won’t come in your mouth.
The big lie for this decade is the link which says, “Unsubscribe.”
You cannot unsubscribe from any site on the web, but especially that of the Democratic National Committee. If you try, they will raise the number of emails you receive from five a day to twenty, insisting your donation is the only thing that will ensure the Democratic candidate’s win in a small but critical election in Arkansas, which otherwise will be won by a talking pig. It won’t even be the pig that won the Declamation Contest at the county fair by reciting Auden’s “Stop All the Clocks.” It will be the pig that got drunk and embarrassed itself singing “Tennessee Whiskey” at karaoke.
Trying to unsubscribe from commercial sites is even worse. There are Unsubscribe operations centers, often tucked alongside Amazon warehouses, with specially trained enforcers to subvert and even punish those who hit the link. Eileen Fisher's enforcers will send an ad using the address of the college boyfriend who dumped you and the subject line, “Worst Mistake Ever!” Wayfair may deliver the table you have been looking at, particularly if it weighs over sixty pounds. If you call the customer–service phone number to try to send it back, the Unsubscribe specialist will answer it in a fake Pakistani accent while everyone around him cracks up.
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When you turn 69, you will find yourself smiling and cooing at babies and dogs, even if it is one of those small, high-strung dogs you cannot stand. This is a natural, healthy survival instinct; humans know unconsciously that as we grow older, we weaken and fall on the ground and when we do, dogs will eat us. Then we need the babies, who will by then be grown, to save our lives.
This survival instinct, however, is often sabotaged by the sight of a dog being pushed down the street in a stroller. At that point, your mouth will curl into a sneer and the old joke about the grandmother pushing her five-year-old grandson in a stroller will inevitably pop into your mind:
“Can’t he walk?” a friend of the grandmother’s asks.
“Of course he can walk,” the grandmother says. “Thank God he doesn’t have to.”
When this subversive, potentially suicidal, joke comes to mind, compensate by cooing at the dog extra hard and asking if you can pet it. Even if it’s wearing a sweater that reads “Grandma is My Bestie.” I’m trying to save your life here.
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It is important to weigh yourself every morning. This is the only way you will know what to feel for the rest of the day.
If you have lost a pound, you can say, “Oh, what a terrific person I am, I feel wonderful, this is going to be a great day.” If you have gained even a quarter of a pound you must say, “I am a failure. I hate myself. I am going to be depressed all day and may have to cheer myself up with a miniature Häagen-Dazs, which doesn’t count because it is so tiny.”
Do not try to get off the hook and say, “It’s only water weight.” Take responsibility for your actions, loser!
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Nobody cares about your Wordle score. If you post your score on Facebook and get a like, it is only because that person posted their Wordle score and wants a like from you. It is mutual masturbatory Wordling. It is pathetic. Cut it out.
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As you get older, friends will say, ‘Stop me if you have heard this.” Never stop them, even if you can recite the story along with them, or you will never be invited to an Oscar party again.
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An invitation to an Oscar party is the mark of being a functioning person in society. If you have not been invited to an Oscar party, take a few days and ask yourself what you have been doing that makes people despise and shun you. Then go to a psychiatrist and get some meds, as that is the only thing that works, anyway.
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If someone on Match lists their status as single, but does not post a picture, it means they are married. If someone on OkCupid is wearing a cap, it means they are bald. If someone in a U.S. Navy captain’s uniform tries to hook up with you on Tinder, they are scamming you. U.S. Navy captains do not have to go online to find dates. I can’t believe I still have to tell you this stuff.
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Hearing about other people’s vacations is like hearing about other people’s orgasms. Nobody is interested, unless there’s been a disaster. Nonetheless, it is essential that you ask. (See Oscar party, above.)
If you are eating out, I recommend asking about a friend’s vacation just as the entrée is served, which allows you to focus on the food, making “No kidding?” and “Wow!” noises which don’t interfere with chewing. Or before desert, if you are sharing.
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Nobody wants a coffee cup inscribed “World’s Best Uncle.” They already have a cupboard so full of Best Uncle cups that when they open it, the cups fall out on their heads. Then the uncle has to get down on the floor and pick up all the pain in the ass, practically invisible pieces because the cleaning lady isn’t coming till Thursday, and if he gets one of those shards in his foot he’ll get an infection and, as he has diabetes, they’ll have to cut his foot off.
If you actually spent some time with your uncle instead of sending him crap from Amazon, you would know this.
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If you want to go into a solid, cannot-lose, money-making business, start a company that makes, “World’s Best Uncle” cups. “Just Because You Are Reading It on a T-Shirt Doesn’t Make It True” merch is also good.
Do not waste time with an enterprise which makes payment optional or is customer supported. They never will.
Another good one...laughing out loud is always good, except when it's being done by call center people with Pakistani accents, as you pointed out so accurately.
Those gargantuan unsubscribe buildings I didn’t know about until you told me (I am incredibly grateful) should be sabotaged! I’m ready when you are.