"Vey iz mir, I Am in a Commercial for Trump, Talking Like Mine Grandmother."
The Republican Jewish Coalition's swing state commercial is a cringe horror.
Three mature women are having coffee in a deli in Philadephia. It is obviously a Jewish deli as there are autographed photos on the wall of Barbra Streisand, Jerry Seinfeld, and the heads of the Cardiology departments at N.Y.U.-Langone, Mass General and Cedars-Sinai.
Woman 1:
“Did you watch the news lately? Israel, they are attacking. Antisemitism like I never seen in America since Philip Roth and that book of his where he shtups a piece of liver. Worse, I have a degree from Princeton and I am talking like mine great Aunt Sylvia, who came over from Poland in 1936. Is this because of this f’kockta Presidential race? Because I am due to address the Senate Foreign Relations Committee tomorrow and there are only so many ‘oy veys’ I can use before the goyim get confused.”
Woman 2:
It’s the election all right. I mean, OY YOY YOY, did you hear about Samantha’s boy Max?
Woman 1:
The one who got spit on at Penn, the implication being that since he is named Max, he has to be Jewish and no Jew is safe in America these days. That’s right, Ikey, Mikey, Jakey, Sam, all the boys who eat no ham, watch out, they’re coming for us all. .
Woman 3:
That’s scary. What about Kamala?
Woman 1:
(Stands up, spits three times and rends her garments.)
OY YOY YOY! VEY IZ MIR! FEH!
Busy defending the squad. Which is code for secretly hates Israel, is pandering to the Arab American vote and will one day slit the throat of her Jewish husband in bed.
Woman 2:
It’s not that I’m in love with Trump. He did say some stupid things. Like he wished his generals could be more like Hitler’s. That made me nervous.
Woman 1: Darling, bubbee, please. He was talking about the tailoring. That’s all he meant. The Nazis did have very sharp uniforms.
Woman 3:
I never voted Republican in my life. Or bought retail. But this year, I’m voting Trump. At least he’ll keep us safe.
Woman 1, Woman 2, and Woman 3 light candles, cover their faces with their scarves, stand, and, swaying together, raise their voices in prayer:
AAAHHHHH-MEEEIN!
The women sit down.
Woman 1:
Who ordered the corned beef?
The one in the middle--are you sure that's not Doc of the Seven Dwarfs?
The commercial that this is a parody of was filmed in my local deli —right around the block from my house.
This is Philadelphia’s Main Line — you’d better believe that the Jewish women in this zip code would never dress or talk like that.
This commercial was very controversial locally, with many Hymies customers vowing never again to darken its doors when they needed chicken soup or bagels.