You're Dead. Would you take a few minutes to complete this survey about how we might improve the human body?
How about a Teflon-lined digestive system with fewer curves?
Who wouldn’t want skin colors changed yearly and selected by Pantone?
Welcome! You’re dead and before moving on – or not! -- we’d love it if you took a few minutes and answered this survey on how we might better improve the human body.
What aspects of the human body did you most enjoy? (Select only three, with 1 your favorite.)
____Having two options for breathing in case one got clogged.
____Excretion site located at least 28 inches from ingestion site.
____Placement of taste buds in mouth rather than armpits.
____ Genitals.
_____Ability to extend body in a flat line, making sleeping more relaxing.
____Flexible wrist, pursuant to hors d’oeuvres and, when there is nothing on television, genitals.
(If you are male)
_____Ability to mark territory in business meetings and avoid long lines in the theater.
(If you are female)
_____Ability, while urinating, to have a few minutes to sit and relax.
Aesthetically, on a scale of one to five, how would you rate the human body?
______
What about noses?
_______
We have received complaints, over the centuries, about the body covering. Ideally, what would be your preference? (Check only one box.)
______I love my white skin. Along with my penis, it’s given me a sweet ride in the private sector. Don’t change a thing!
_______Is Nubuck available? It’s water-resistant, durable, and, I hear, impervious to insect bites. Bring it on!
_______A silk-cotton-spandex blend, which would offer a smooth, silky feel, breathability and spandex, which would be excellent for the mid-section. The breathability would also be a plus when the nose and mouth options were clogged.
_____Skin colors which would change every year, as determined by Pantone. Who wouldn’t want Viva Magenta, their 2023 color of the year? It would make jaywalkers so much easier to spot and eradicate. Peach Fuzz, the Pantone color for 2024, flatters everyone. It would also eliminate any number of discrimination concerns in Georgia.
Through the ages, we’ve discarded a number of body parts and traits. Would you like to see a return to any of the following? (Check where applicable.)
______Walking on knuckles.
______Outrunning an antelope and having it for brunch.
______Brain so tiny it cannot remember what it did wrong yesterday.
______Communication only in grunts, the interpretation of which is left to the individual who has been addressed. For example:
“Grunt, grunt, grunt? Grunt!! Grunt, grunt.”
‘Brunch with the Schoenbergs? I told you I couldn’t stand them. They always grab the best part of the antelope.’
“Grunt, grunt! Grunt. Grunt, grunt, grunt.”
“I thought you said you loved the Schoenbergs! If you would stop mumble grunting and enunciate clearly, I might be able to understand you. By the way, I’m leaving you for your brother. He’s so hot when he knuckle-walks.”
Our engineers are always working on improvements. Which of the following changes would make you give the human body a higher rating?
Brain
_______Instant absorbency with French.
_______Two-second max for facial recognition and name retrieval.
_______Directional system which matures when you’re old enough to drive and, when necessary, murmurs, “Rerouting, but it’s not your fault. It’s the signs.”
________Ability to reduce noise in New York City restaurants and to render the Broadway musical, “The Days of Wine and Roses” inaudible.
_______Telepathic receptivity within ten feet, so you know if someone loved your gift or is just being polite.
Digestive
_______Food disposal system with pull-out drawers.
_______Digestive tract with Teflon lining and fewer curves. A straight line, modeled after the New York State Thruway, except for Suffern, where things always get backed up.
_______Self-scheduled urination, with a range of up to ten hours, controlled by a smartphone.
________Self-cleaning colon with built-in sanitation device.
Miscellaneous body improvements for which you would be willing to pay a small additional fee.
_______Snap-in replacement teeth.
_______Hair and eyelash regeneration while eating ice cream or, if you are lactose intolerant, candied pecans.
_______Ability to rotate neck in a complete circle so you can see if the person you’re afraid is here really is here.
________Medical diagnosis on a ticker tape which emerges from the left ear and sounds an alarm when it’s a true coronary event and not reflux.
________Improved hopping ability to a height of eight feet, so one can jump over three or more persons walking side by side on a New York City sidewalk.
______Ability to kick while hopping.
Genitals, Male
______Decision-making capabilities of the penis removed.
Genitals, Female
______Why mess with perfection?
…what they ALL said! Most particularly, you.
I love your work. I just purchased three of your books.
xo
J