Desperate Trump Team Unveils Kitten Videos

Thank you all for being here today. As you know, we’ve got an image problem. We were gold when the opposition was Biden. He could barely totter up the stairs of Air Force One and was going blank at press conferences. Our man rambled, lied and was frequently incoherent but compared to Joe, he looked vigorous.

Now, the optics have changed. Harris is almost twenty years younger, she’s fit, she’s got good hair. Against her, Donald looks bloated, out of shape, and worst of all, old.

There is, however, one thing that we believe will bring voters back: Kittens!

And so, today, we are announcing the Team Trump Kitten Offensive. From this moment on, Donald Trump will not appear in public without at least one trademark orange kitten held high in his fist. We will also be flooding TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and X with kitten videos, which we’re proud to introduce today.

Will You Be My Daddy? PUH-LEEZE!!!!

Trump is in his golf cart, when he hears a piteous howling. The camera zooms in on a bedraggled orange kitten, with the imprint of a Wilson Number 3 iron on its rump. Trumps leans over and scoops it up. (We’ll be using a stunt double for this.)

Kitten Subtitle: Oooh, me izz so scared and hungry!!! Inflation make cat food way too expensive and me hasn’t eaten for days.

Trump: (Petting the kittten’s head.) Aww, you poor little victim of Bidenomics.

Caddy: But Mr. Destined By God to Be President, you already have taken in so many helpless American kittens! Melena is all heart. But do you really have room for another?

Trump: What choice do I have? Biden has taken the food out of this kitten’s mouth. And Kamala will be even worse. Anything the Chinese want, they’re going to get.

Kitten: OH, NO, ME REALLY SCARED NOW!!!! Me hears they eats kitties in China.

Trump: You heard right, fluff ball. Cat meat is the main ingredient in the traditional Chinese dish, 'Dragon, Tiger, Phoenix and Garfield. But Xi Jinping wrote me a beautiful letter after the assassination attempt. Beautiful. And I promise you one thing, no cats will be eaten in China or anywhere else when I’m back in the White House.

Kitten: For true?

Trump: Have you ever known me to lie?

So Many Peoples in Pennsylvania! Hazz They Got Treats?

Donald and an adorable but anxious orange kitten are at a rally.

Kitten: Me nervous. Peoples be yelling and Secret Service has guns. And one agent say him shoot me if me get hair on you suit.

Donald: Don’t worry, little kitten. Those fine Americans are yelling for me to make America great again. And I won’t let anybody shoot you.

Kitten: That be good. Because me see loner and former Honor Student who excelled in computer science on tall building with rifle pointing straight at me.

Donald: (Swiveling). Huh? Where?

Bullets whizz by. A half dozen Secret Service people leap on Trump and the kitten, throwing them to the ground and covering them with their bodies. A great wail comes up from the crowd.

CUT TO:

I Izz All Growed Up

Donald Trump and Hulk Hogan are sitting on the floor, playing with a six-month-old orange kitten.

Hulk: Kitchy, kitchy, koo!!! I’M SAYING KITCHY, KITCHY, KOO!!! You are one big tough kitty. I tangle with some of the biggest, baddest cats in the country, like when they drag snakes into the house or I am folding the sheets, and I’m telling you, Donald, this is one tough mother.

Kitten: Me hazz six toes on each foot. And four testicles. Me izz all Tomcat.

Hulk picks up the kitten and snuggles it against his chest. Kitten purrs loudly.

Hulk: Aaawwh, look at that, it likes me. (Scratching the kitten under the chin.) Are you the roughest? Are you the toughest? Are you the scariest little motherfucker? Can I have him, Donald?

Donald: Sorry, Hulk. This one is going to Nancy Pelosi. We’ve had enough discord and division in America. It’s time for us to come together.

Hulk: What?

Kitten: Me gonna go live with libtard and pee on her sofa! When she rest, after drafting legislature what give doctors right to abort babies even after they izz born, me gonna puke on her bed.

Hulk (very excited): Donald, that is a mother-fuckin’ GREAT idea!

Hulk leaps to his feet to high-five Donald, flinging away the kitten.

(Off Camera): SHPLOTT!!!!

Cut to an inert pile of orange fur, lying defunct on the floor.

Hulk: Shit, Donald. I’m sorry.

Donald: Don’t worry about it. We got a million of ‘em. (Raising his voice.) Can somebody bring me another cat?