GET OUT!!! (Of Gwyneth Paltrow's Guest House)
The Queen of the Vaginal Steam has offered a night at her California guest house on Airbnb to combat "the loneliness of the human condition". What dark secrets lurk within?
Ext. — A pristine white guest house in the Montecito, California hills, early afternoon.
JOYCE and HERB, two retired New York City reporters, are approaching with their wheelie bags.
Joyce: I’m nervous. That Airbnb contest to spend a free night at Gwyneth Paltrow’s guest house in which we begin as strangers but find connections and commonalities over dinner sounded interesting, but I still can’t figure it out: Why did they choose people who think Paltrow and her GOOP products are ridiculous? And now that we’re out here, something feels off. That anorectic young woman who flung her body against our Uber, screaming, “Don’t do the goat milk cleanse!” -- didn’t something about that seem odd? And this guest house is spooky. I don’t see anyone around.
The front door of the guest house is flung open. GWYNETH PALTROW, a marketing genius who is rumored to have once been in the movies, rushes out, followed by a VIDEOGRAPHER, PHOTOGRAPHER, MAKE-UP PERSON, and PERSONAL ASSISTANT. Gwyneth has the perfect skin and healthy glow that no amount of money can buy, although owning a $25 million lifestyle business helps.
Gwyneth: Yoo-hoo!! Lonely poor people!!
Gwyneth embraces Joyce and Herb warmly.
Gwyneth: (To videographer) You get that shot? (To personal assistant, holding out her hands) Antiseptic spray! (To Joyce and Herb) I have used ozone therapy rectally, I feel I know you well enough to say that. I also love cleansing my uterus with mugwort steam and using the word “detox”. Detox! Detox, detox, detox!”
Gwyneth laughs maniacally. Joyce and Herb exchange a quick, anxious look.
Gwyneth: Gucci made me this outfit. Square metal acetate sunglasses, available on goop.com, $625. But let’s talk about you. Are you coupled? Mindfully uncoupled?
Joyce: Neither, we’re --
Gwyneth: Could you step closer to the lamp as you talk? That’s the Skyview Wellness Table Lamp from my GOOP Home line, retailing at $999. It cycles through lighting modes designed to provide optimum circadian stimulus.
Gwyneth: (Cont’d, to videographer) Got it? (To Joyce and Herb) So, I’ve got someone to lead you through a guided Transcendental Meditation and then you’ll have a Zen moment at the pool and then you’ll have an intimate dinner with just me and my producer husband and the crew of Entertainment Tonight. And Joyce, I’ve left you a jade Yoni egg, retailing for $66. Yoni eggs harness the power of energy work and crystal healing and provide a Kegel-like practice to strengthen the pelvic floor. Just shove it up your vajayjay and squeeze, relax, squeeze, relax. Then squat on the coffee table and try to pick up a quarter --
A WOMAN’S SCREAM cuts through the air.
Gwyneth (Rattled): Detox! Detox, detox, detox! “Mad”, they called me. Look at my Amagansett spread, I say. Daddy bought me these jewels after I won the Oscar —
A personal assistant quickly steps in and slaps Gwyneth across the face.
Gwyneth (Regaining her composure). Thank you, I needed that. My lawyers will be in touch.
Joyce: Did you hear someone screaming?
Gwyneth: Nope. Didn’t hear a thing. See you at dinner. I hope you like bone broth.
CUT TO
Int. — Guest house living room, late afternoon.
Herb is stretched out on the white couch in a $2,350 GOOP God’s True Cashmere button-down shirt. Joyce, pawing through a gift basket of GOOP beauty products, is suspiciously checking out some This Smells Like my Vagina Roll-On Deodorant.
Herb: Y’know, I was skeptical at first, but this shirt really is exceptionally soft. And that meditation session wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Though “muh nee” is a weird mantra.
Joyce: I think this whole thing is weird. GOOP’s demographic is between 26 and 50. Why did Paltrow choose people who have been on Social Security for years and are pre-paying for burial plots? And why is she always stuffing things up herself? The vaginal steams, the rectal ozone, these weird eggs?
A jade egg CRASHES through the window, shattering glass and narrowly missing Joyce’s head.
Joyce: Oh, my God! It’s a Yoni egg. And somebody’s written ‘GET OUT!’ on it. In goat’s milk.
Herb: Ignore it. Millions of people entered this contest. Obviously, one of them is messing with us.
The front door crashes open. A 56-year-old woman, with a mass of white curls and a medical degree clutched in her hand, falls to the floor.
Joyce: Holy cow! It’s DR. JEN GUNTER, Canadian-born gynecologist and GOOP’s number-one critic, who’s been suspiciously quiet as of late! Was it your screams I heard earlier, Dr. Gunter?
Dr. Gunter: Was GOOP hit with a $145,000 lawsuit because of false claims over the health benefits of jade eggs? Have gynecologists warned that vaginal steams do not rebalance female hormones and could, if used overnight, even cause toxic shock? GOOP’s been holding me prisoner for months. I don’t suppose you’ve got something to eat that doesn’t contain Ashwagandha?
Joyce: (Rummaging in her bag.) Let’s see, Ritter Sport Dark Chocolate; Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi…
Dr. Gunter: (Grabbing a Pepsi and gulping it down.) God, that’s good! Now, quick, while Gwyneth’s away, we’ve got to make our break.
Gwyneth: (Off Camera, singing) Detox in the morning, detox in the evening, detox at suppertime…. Yoo hoo!! Lonely poor people! I’m here to drop off GP’s Daily Smoothie, made with almond milk, maca, vanilla mushroom protein powder, and Sun’s Potion …
Dr.Gunter: (Diving into a closet, to hide) Do NOT drink that!
CUT TO
Int. — Living Room, as dusk falls.
Herb is dozing.
A series of quick shots as Dr. Gunter reveals Paltrow’s plan to take over the NIH and install herself as America’s health czar.
Joyce: (Increasingly upset.) “No!” “I can’t believe it!” “City desk, get me rewrite!”
Dr. Gunter: …and now, Gwyneth is going after the Boomer market. After you pass out at dinner, from that drugged smoothie and the shock of a celebrity showing interest in anything you have to say, Gwyneth is going to drain your blood and use it to create irresistible products for the over-70 crowd: Crystals that will enable you to remember names. Smoothies that will allow you to eat Korean food without getting reflux. Grannies I’d Like to Fuck Facial Recognition eye drops. Ear Steams so you’ll never again have to go through another dinner party saying, “What?”
Joyce: Oh, c’mon, that's ridiculous. Boomers are too savvy to go for any of this goat- milk-removes-toxins, crystals-cure-cancer, channel-your-natural-healing-energy-to- heat-your-house nonsense.
Woman: Oh, yeah? GOOP went after the male market and that stuff is selling. There’s the $90 anti-oxidant Balls in the Air vitamin pack that lets you play at the top of your game. The $199 Pulse Warmer dispenser that gently heats lube. The $129 Verge Vibrating Perineum Stimulator, a vibrating cock ring for perineum play…
Herb: (Suddenly awake). They have what???
CUT TO
Ext. — The Montecito Hills, sunrise. Joyce and Dr. Gunter, their shoes torn to shreds, their fingernails ragged and bleeding, are stumbling down a mountain.
Dr. Gunter: Look, Joyce, over there! The Pasadena Freeway, we’re saved!!! You can write an exposé and reboot your career and the novel you’ve been shopping will go to auction —
Joyce: (Sadly) I guess. But I’m going to miss Herb.
So funny. The funniest thing is i couldn't figure out how much was true. You gotta send this to SNL or someone should film it.
You've done it again!!! What a gift to start the day laughing, many thanks!