After careful review and estimable consideration, we must take exception to your recent defense of Hank, the fired Clydesdale from our Budweiser commercials. Though we do not make it policy to denigrate former employees, the unfortunate press coverage generated by your sympathetic depiction necessitates a response.
The suggestion that Hank was dismissed without cause is wholly without merit. He was, to be blunt, a nag, a plug, a candidate for Alpo. It is only because of our in-house detox program that we were able to keep Elmer's at bay.
Hank was trouble from the word "whoa!" The hyped promos of Hank pulling railway cars, toting barges, lifting bales, were just that, hype. "Better luck next year," was said to keep the horse on the straight and narrow. But there was more. He was terribly out of shape. Those pictures of him frolicking were done with CGI. The actual horse was Khartoum from the original Godfather movie (and we all know what happened to him!) Hank wouldn't make it to the first furlong at Churchill Downs.
Alas, the horse mis-represented himself from the starting gate, and had a resume that George Santos would envy; consider who he put as his references: "Hi-Yo Silver" (dead), his friend "Flicka" (also dead), "National Velveeta" (not even a horse.) It was actually Mr. Ed who gave us the skinny on Hank.
Look, we gave him a shot, but what's being lost in all the hoo-ha is that the gig was just a temp job; there were no promises, no hidden agendas, no implicit benefits. All the Clydesdales know the national exposure is their ticket to do with what they want. Further, it is not at all unusual for product mascots and spokespeople to be placed on hiatus or dismissed (Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Spuds Mackensie, Speedy of Alka-Seltzer renown, and most recently, "M," the M of M&M's, and the other "M" of M&M's) all had their 15 minutes, or in the case of Super Bowl ads, 30-seconds of fame.
Finally, we take umbrage that our beer, in your opinion, "sucks." We sell more than 102 million cases of Budweiser per year and not all of it is consumed by Trump supporters.
We've spoken to your co-op's board. Indeed there is a "No Horse Policy" and visiting horses may only stay for 30 days at a time, but only as a "visiting pet." If you are serious about stabling your Oxy-dependent animal at Hazelden, we strongly suggest you "get on your horse."
Stay thirsty, my friend (oh, sorry, that's the other guys,
Can I just live inside your head for a day?! You've got a gift and I'm glad you share it!
From the desks of:
Eberhard Anheuser VI
Adolphus Busch XII
August Anheuser Busch V
Dear Ms. Wadler,
After careful review and estimable consideration, we must take exception to your recent defense of Hank, the fired Clydesdale from our Budweiser commercials. Though we do not make it policy to denigrate former employees, the unfortunate press coverage generated by your sympathetic depiction necessitates a response.
The suggestion that Hank was dismissed without cause is wholly without merit. He was, to be blunt, a nag, a plug, a candidate for Alpo. It is only because of our in-house detox program that we were able to keep Elmer's at bay.
Hank was trouble from the word "whoa!" The hyped promos of Hank pulling railway cars, toting barges, lifting bales, were just that, hype. "Better luck next year," was said to keep the horse on the straight and narrow. But there was more. He was terribly out of shape. Those pictures of him frolicking were done with CGI. The actual horse was Khartoum from the original Godfather movie (and we all know what happened to him!) Hank wouldn't make it to the first furlong at Churchill Downs.
Alas, the horse mis-represented himself from the starting gate, and had a resume that George Santos would envy; consider who he put as his references: "Hi-Yo Silver" (dead), his friend "Flicka" (also dead), "National Velveeta" (not even a horse.) It was actually Mr. Ed who gave us the skinny on Hank.
Look, we gave him a shot, but what's being lost in all the hoo-ha is that the gig was just a temp job; there were no promises, no hidden agendas, no implicit benefits. All the Clydesdales know the national exposure is their ticket to do with what they want. Further, it is not at all unusual for product mascots and spokespeople to be placed on hiatus or dismissed (Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Spuds Mackensie, Speedy of Alka-Seltzer renown, and most recently, "M," the M of M&M's, and the other "M" of M&M's) all had their 15 minutes, or in the case of Super Bowl ads, 30-seconds of fame.
Finally, we take umbrage that our beer, in your opinion, "sucks." We sell more than 102 million cases of Budweiser per year and not all of it is consumed by Trump supporters.
We've spoken to your co-op's board. Indeed there is a "No Horse Policy" and visiting horses may only stay for 30 days at a time, but only as a "visiting pet." If you are serious about stabling your Oxy-dependent animal at Hazelden, we strongly suggest you "get on your horse."
Stay thirsty, my friend (oh, sorry, that's the other guys,
Ebb Anheuser
Dolph Busch
Gussie Busch
Good one, especially with the Super Bowl coming up...