Have You Done Something Nice For Your Vagina Today?

An oldie for the newbies: It's almost Valentine's Day. How about getting it a lovely shot in the clitoris?

Photo by RoonZ nl on Unsplash

I’m strolling up lower Fifth Avenue in New York City, not far from where I live, when I see a shop called VSPOT and the words, “Don’t take her for granted.”

This is a philosophy I can get behind, and there are so many ways to show a woman you care: Feigning genuine interest during the recitation of her My Day story; not asking which shelf the glasses go on when loading the dishwasher; foregoing the latest offering on the Nazi Channel.

I was, however, a reporter for forty years and after reading on, I realize we are in the realm of Down There. The “her” on VSPOT’s window is apparently a reference to--you know, I am 75 years old and I still don’t have a good word for it. “Vagina” seems clinical; “pussy” is a word used by a 14-year-old boy, and I don’t care how many pink hats you knit.

Still, it makes me wonder. What, lately, have I done for her? Thirty years ago, we went through the Ovarian Cancer Wars together and that must have been a downer, what with the temporary baldness and the loss of family. (RIP, Mesdames Uterus and Ovaries.)

I like to think I have always been nice to her. She is regularly treated with Yuvafem estrogen tablets, to keep her tissues moist and supple. My lingerie has always been exquisite, Chantelle and Wacoal and Prima Donna Twist, though I admit that lately I have defaulted to cotton briefs, which may be depressing her. It’s probably like hanging out in a tracksuit all day.

I check out VSPOT’s website. This medispa – yes, that’s the word – first opened five years ago on Madison Avenue, and the things you can do for her there are impressive. In a hurry? You can get your vagina tightened during your lunch break. Get a nice V-Steam with Lymphatic Drainage, in which an ozone-infused steamer with an Ayurvedic pelvic decongestant shoots steam at the vulva. Oh, look, I can even get my anus lightened. Are skirts really going to be that short this season?

There’s also a V-plump, in which one’s own blood plasma is injected into the labia majora to “rejuvenate and stimulate” and give it “a more youthful appearance,” and O-shots (O for orgasm) in which blood is injected into the G-spot or clitoris. (If you ladies feel the need to clench your legs tightly together and whimper here, I understand.)

It’s true that riffling through the online reviews, one may encounter a disgruntled customer.

“Wasted money on V lightening (about $300+for one session) …it burned the inside of my vagina and vaginal opening,” wrote Valenina L., of Miami.

“I was actually escorted out IN MY ROBE and had to wait in the main room when I had just had a numbing shot to my vagina,” grumbled N.R. of Dallas. “That sounds like some kind of awful one-night stand.”

And yet, I must admit that pitch about a more youthful appearance has gotten to me. Several months ago, glancing Down There, it seemed to me that things might not be as plump as they once were. I had a suspicion -- oh, how to put this and not lose my feminist cred? – that what once might have been likened to the pillows atop a king-sized bed at the Four Seasons might now be closer to what you’d find at a summer rental a long walk from the beach.

On the other hand, if my lady parts have indeed changed in appearance why, as Socrates might have argued, should I give a fuck? Isn’t this just another example of women being crazy critical of their bodies? Are older men so worried about their sagging scrotal sacs that they have surgery to hoist them up? (Oh, wait. I just went online and apparently some do. A clinic in California calls it The Man Lift.)

It’s time to visit my local VSPOT. I make an appointment to talk with Dr. Monica Grover, VSPOT’s 41-year-old gynecologist. We’re joined by VSPOT’s founder, 58-year-old Cindy Barshop, who created the Completely Bare line of hair-removal spas 25 years ago, had a season as a Real Housewife of New York and gives the impression of being a veteran multitasker. We sit in the small lounge, subsumed in pink: mauve-pink walls; velvety pink chairs; pink candles; a small pink fridge. A neon sign beams out a message: “I did it for me.” I damn well hope so, if you’re getting a shot in the clitoris.

But let’s get to the reporting. What sorts of concerns do women generally have in the nether world, Dr. Grover?

It varies, Dr. Grover says. The younger women are coming in for hair removal and lightening, the older woman for vaginal tightening and urinary incontinence. But there are shared concerns about aesthetics; discoloration and perceived anatomical flaws and such. Dr. Grover had a patient, in her early thirties, who was self-conscious during sex because her labia minora extended beyond the majora. It also made her uncomfortable when she exercised in tight clothing.

“Soul Cycle!” Ms. Barshop says.

Dr. Grover concurs. When women have extensive labial skin and they are biking, it can cause pain and irritation. For that problem, Dr. Grover says, they can treat the patient with their Precision Plasty, or labia reduction, using laser technology.

The cost of Precision Plasty?

“Fifty-eight hundred dollars.”

There is a question one would like to pretend one is asking for a friend, but who are we kidding? Does age really change the appearance of an older woman’s labia?

Absolutely, Dr. Grover says. Women start losing estrogen in their early 40’s, which affects the skin and causes the labia majora to lose volume. If, in addition, the lips of the labia minora are prominent, the minora appear even longer. A not uncommon request from older women is to tighten the inner lips and plump up the outer.

Let’s just stay with the matter of that V-plump – how much is that procedure?

“Thirty-two hundred dollars.”

Chasing one’s lost youth is pricey. Perhaps we should focus on simply showing her a good time. Let’s hear about that scary sounding O-shot. The doctor has got to be talking about injecting the area around the clitoris, right, not that round, raised --

“That’s exactly where it’s going,” Dr. Grover says. “We apply a topical anesthetic, then we inject local anesthetic. We also have the option of nitrous oxide.”

Wait – the option? Isn’t that like the dentist’s, when they don’t know you need more until you scream? How do you know the holy of holies is numb? That the little man in the boat is wearing his Israel Catalog stab proof vest? That one jab and you won’t tell the enemy everything?

“You touch it with the needle and see if they feel it,” Dr. Grover says.

Has the doctor had this shot?

Dr. Grover prefers to keep that information private.

Ms. Barshop, who is turning out to be great with the color commentary, throws in.

“We had someone who went to a work-out that day and had an orgasm,” she says.

“There is an immediate reaction because of the volume,” Dr. Grover says. “Then it subsides and the patient’s own platelets start increasing vascularity and blood flow.”

The price of an O-shot?

“Twenty-five hundred and just one treatment will do it.”

The doctor must be aware of an American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists report, which says that many vaginal cosmetic procedures pose substantial risk and that their safety and effectiveness have not been established.

“There is actually a lot of data,” Dr. Grover says. “What techniques are they talking about exactly?”

Let’s get out that report: G-spot amplification with autologous fat transfer and hyaluronic acid?

“We don’t do that,” Dr. Grover says. “There’s a risk of urinary tract infection. It can lead to more vulvar atrophy, granulomas, and calcifications ”

Laser radiofrequency, which is said to cause burning?

“Yeah, that’s true,” Dr. Grover says. “That’s why we’re very specific on the kinds of equipment we use.”

Labia majora augmentation with fat transplants and injectable fillers?

“We don’t do that.”

Clearly, this subject is fraught. Doing something nice for her is proving complicated. Maybe I’ll just go home and settle into a hot bath. She has always enjoyed that.