Helen Mirren Called From the Future To Say She is Pregnant At 83

Oh, c'mon. You know women are smarter than that.

Photo by Juan Encalada on Unsplash

 I don’t know if you’ve heard about this, but there is an app that allows you to get calls from the future. I learned about it from Microsoft’s AI search engine, Bing, so I wasn’t sure it was for real, but I downloaded it and sure enough, five minutes later, I get a call from Helen Mirren telling me she is pregnant.

 Since the app clocked the call coming on June 10th, in the year 2029, I figured she had to be kidding.

“You’re goofing, right?” I say. “I mean, if you’re calling from 2029, that would make you eighty-three. Is it possible for women in the future to get pregnant at 83?”

 “Absolutely,” Helen says. “You still can’t find a man to go out with, but getting knocked up is no problem at all. They just take some of your DNA, slip it into a donor egg and implant it in your rejuvenated uterus. You can’t imagine how good being pregnant at 83 makes your skin look. ”

 “But Helen,” I say. “A baby at this age. Middle of the night feedings. Diapers. Hauling it wherever it needs to be until its little protuberances – what did the Little Mermaid, call them? Oh, right, legs -- are muscular enough for it to walk.  I’m 75 and if I pick up my six-month-old nephew my back goes out for a week. Honestly, I thought you were more sensible than that.”

 Just then the screen goes electric yellow and the word “PUNKED” flashes across my screen.

 “HOO HAH! GOTCHA! SAY HELLO TO MAH LITTLE FRIEND!”, a male voice yells. “And I don’t mean the one that I’m carrying in my pants, because darlin’, you are just too old.”

 “Al Pacino,” I say. “I should have known. Though I guess I should first say, I’m sorry about that crane accident that did so much damage to your house. Although we were all wondering what a crane was doing so long underneath your bedroom window.”

 “Joycie, say what? You bein’ coy? I gotta say I expected more from you,” Pacino says. “I was 83 and dating a 29-year-old woman. What was I going to use? Viagra?”

 “Well, it is the traditional choice in your age group,” I say.

 “You do that much Viagra, your head is going to explode,” Pacino says. “To close the deal at my age, you got to bring in the heavy metal. Literally. But I got it done, right? You shoulda seen De Niro’s face when I told him.”

 “Right,” I say. “I saw the news stories. DeNiro just had his seventh kid at something like seventy-seven?”

 “Seventy-nine,” Al says. “Potzer.”

 “Right,” I say. “But, Al, there’s something I’m not getting about this Geezer Dad thing. I know you’re a movie star and you can afford help. It’s not like you have to pick up a baby in the middle of the night when it’s screaming…”

 “-- I’m a guy,” Pacino interrupts. “I wouldn’t do that, anyway.”                      

“Understood,” I say. “And I get that a woman who loves you might want to have your baby. Especially if she’s into role-playing. Like, “Let’s pretend I’m a virgin princess who’s been taken captive by a ruthless band of pirates and that you’re 29.”  But you were 83 when your girlfriend was pregnant. Weren’t you concerned about not being there as the kid grew up?”

 “Ooooh, lookie here,” Pacino says, “Little Miss Morality. You’re missing the point, Joyce. When the news about this kid broke, every guy in America over eighty was raising a glass to me. Hiring a crane at $325 an hour was expensive, but I’m telling you, it was worth it.”

Just then, I see I’ve got another message coming in. Normally, I consider it rude to take another call, but this app doesn’t give you a choice and this time it really is Helen Mirren. Unlike Pacino, she is calling from the present.

“You know, Al, I respect your talent, but using my name for a prank call is something I do not appreciate,” Mirren says.

“Oh, lighten up, Helen,” Pacino says. “You’re just jealous. I saw that interview where you said you regretted never having kids of your own.”

“I did not have children because I thought there was no way to have a career and not short-change them,” Mirren says. “Unlike men, women think about these things. Wouldn’t you agree, Joyce?”

“I’m sorry, Helen,” I say. “My phone is exploding. Robert De Niro! How did you get in?”

“There’s this app that lets you know when someone is talking trash about you,” De Niro says.

“You’re kidding!” I say. “I’ve been dreaming of something like that my whole life. Where do I get it?”

“You can’t afford it,” DeNiro says. “But what I want to say, Joyce, is what’s it your business if I’m scattering seeds in May or April or Alice? There are a lot of older guys who aren’t celebrities who hook up with much younger women. And not all of them come from Russia. Some come from the Philippines. Also, Al, you overpaid for that crane.”

“Oh, be quiet, Bob, nobody cares about this ridiculous competition,” Mirren says. “Al is calling from the future. There are certainly more important things he can tell us.”

“You got a point,” DeNiro says. “So Al, tell us, how did the 2024 Presidential election go? Is that idiot whose name I hate to mention finally out of the picture?”

“Sorry, pal,” Pacino says. “No can do. This future App doesn’t allow us to talk about politics.”

“But it’s important,” Mirren says. “What about women’s rights? I’m very upset about the six-week abortion ban in Florida.”

“Sweetie, baby, c’mon,” Pacino says. “Why don’t you ask me if DeSantis nuked Disney World? Although I guess I could say if you couldn’t stand the idea of taking your kids on Pirates of the Caribbean one more time, that is no longer a problem.”

“Okay, no politics,” Mirren says. “We’ll just stay with the movies. Harrison Ford was de-aged for the Raiders sequel. So with this new technology, older actresses will have gotten more roles, too. What are some great movies you’ve seen starring women my age?”

Pacino laughs so hard that it takes a while for him to be able to speak.

“Oh, Helen,” he says finally. “Get a grip. I’m calling from the future, not from another world.”