It never ends for us does it. At 43, I figured I could retire to my comfortable pajamas for the next 15 years or however long I have left. A lot of my family has said the final farewell at 57, so as I see it, I'm in my golden years. But damnit, these nieces and nephews won't stop marrying and having kids! It's been one long shitshow of showers where I have to dress up for the last 3 years. As Garth Brooks sang, I'm much too young to feel this damn old, but bad genetics and an unfortunate car wreck have put me and my neck into an early funk. Anyway, I hope you have a lovely time, and if you'd like to retire to a small 50 acre farm in Tennessee, my still handsome 79 year old Father-in-Law is widowed and dating. He goes ballroom dancing every weekend and is a professional Santa Claus this time of year. He holds a couple patents from when he created toys. (Maybe he really is Santa.) He has good genetics and will definitely outlive me. We need someone interesting like you to join the family. Just let me know. 😉
I laughed until I cried! Thank you so much for this piece. I am only 73 and holding on for dear life to the beaded frilly party dress I had to get for a work function 15 years ago, that if I am lucky I will never have to wear again!
Oh, through my hoots of laughter, I feel your pain - espeically with the cutouts! Only my pain is caused by trying to find a wedding dress, when the last formal dress I bought was for my role as Mother of the Groom. I'll be damned if I retreat to that department, though...
Son got marries two years ago, I'm getting married (take two) next autumn. I think I shall know - but I'll be just 60, and already know I don't want it to be apologetic, or trying to pretend I'm not a proper bride...
As every woman knows, the legs stay young. (Ask Elaine Stritch. I don't think she even owned a pair of pants.) But the real question is: Do you need to buy new shoes? And how high are the heels?
I had heard that about legs too, but when I was around 60 my knees began to sag & my skin to thin (this according to my dermatologist) so that the veins in my lower legs show. It's not a pretty sight.
Heels -- my latest Boomer milestone. The only high heels I can now walk in are block heels. I have no idea how anyone could ever walk on stilettos -- even at nineteen.
Fortunately, I used to be 5’7” and attained it by 12 Yrs old. Therefore, never wore anything above a little kitten heel. And now...I’m nearly at “sensible shoe” age. As I am in that category, I nearly peed my very expensive unmentionables (white cotton briefs!)
Therry, That louse should have been kicked with those stilettos. You want to try them, your choice. I do find that the stability and width of the heel is more important than the height.
I literally am crying from how funny this one is. The concept of being disabled from schlepping the 8 gowns halfway from 6th to 7th Avenues did me in -- HILARIOUS! Not that I mean to make fun of people with disabilities, it's just that I can RELATE. I'm your age, and even without 8 floor-length beaded dresses, I've felt done in by shopping in stores. Like wordsmithlynn, I want to see your dress!
Happy New Year, Joyce - I look forward to reading more of your posts.
The online retailer Quince makes a flattering stretch silk gown that is incredibly comfortable and elegant in a Carolyn Bessette kind of way. The upper arms can be covered with a pashmina scarf, a cashmere sweater or silk jacket. Technically it’s a midi but I’m short so on me it’s floor length. https://www.quince.com/women/-washable-stretch-silk-tank-midi-dress?color=wine-tasting&gender=women&qpid=_mawf0c6b5&tracker=collection_page__women%2Fsilk__Dresses%20%26%20Skirts__3
It never ends for us does it. At 43, I figured I could retire to my comfortable pajamas for the next 15 years or however long I have left. A lot of my family has said the final farewell at 57, so as I see it, I'm in my golden years. But damnit, these nieces and nephews won't stop marrying and having kids! It's been one long shitshow of showers where I have to dress up for the last 3 years. As Garth Brooks sang, I'm much too young to feel this damn old, but bad genetics and an unfortunate car wreck have put me and my neck into an early funk. Anyway, I hope you have a lovely time, and if you'd like to retire to a small 50 acre farm in Tennessee, my still handsome 79 year old Father-in-Law is widowed and dating. He goes ballroom dancing every weekend and is a professional Santa Claus this time of year. He holds a couple patents from when he created toys. (Maybe he really is Santa.) He has good genetics and will definitely outlive me. We need someone interesting like you to join the family. Just let me know. 😉
Julie, If he subscribes, I'll consider it.
you really ARE a piece of work the shroud! hahahahha and i know just the sentences that MUST be re-stacked thanks
Thank you, Mr. King.
I laughed until I cried! Thank you so much for this piece. I am only 73 and holding on for dear life to the beaded frilly party dress I had to get for a work function 15 years ago, that if I am lucky I will never have to wear again!
So. I once went to a lot of galas and have many formal dresses. You’re welcome to one if you think it would fit?
Thank you, but I’m set..
Oh, through my hoots of laughter, I feel your pain - espeically with the cutouts! Only my pain is caused by trying to find a wedding dress, when the last formal dress I bought was for my role as Mother of the Groom. I'll be damned if I retreat to that department, though...
You're buying a wedding dress after being an MOB? How wonderful! You'll know the dress when you put it on.
Son got marries two years ago, I'm getting married (take two) next autumn. I think I shall know - but I'll be just 60, and already know I don't want it to be apologetic, or trying to pretend I'm not a proper bride...
lovely writing, but please use "lie down' instead of "lay down"
Graywyvern,
Nope. The tone would be wrong. This was the text of a desperate woman who was also aware of the comedic effect of the "lay down" vs/ "lie down."
Killjoy.
In medias res
I have more copy editors now than when I was at the The York Times.
I'm happy that you didn't give in and you are still going to the party, your way!
As every woman knows, the legs stay young. (Ask Elaine Stritch. I don't think she even owned a pair of pants.) But the real question is: Do you need to buy new shoes? And how high are the heels?
I had heard that about legs too, but when I was around 60 my knees began to sag & my skin to thin (this according to my dermatologist) so that the veins in my lower legs show. It's not a pretty sight.
Heels -- my latest Boomer milestone. The only high heels I can now walk in are block heels. I have no idea how anyone could ever walk on stilettos -- even at nineteen.
Fortunately, I used to be 5’7” and attained it by 12 Yrs old. Therefore, never wore anything above a little kitten heel. And now...I’m nearly at “sensible shoe” age. As I am in that category, I nearly peed my very expensive unmentionables (white cotton briefs!)
I was trying on a pair of stilettos years ago, and the shoe salesman (remember them?) said, "Madam, I think those are somebody else's shoes. "
Therry, That louse should have been kicked with those stilettos. You want to try them, your choice. I do find that the stability and width of the heel is more important than the height.
Hon, I'm having trouble with 1" wedges. You try having Multiple Sclerosis for 45 years at my age ( same as yours)!
I'm planning to look for a winter coat at Macy's and am terrified that I"ll get lost trying to find the bathroom.
You will. Trust me!
A classic! Have a great time!
A classic. Thanks for a well needed laugh out loud read. I too was once a “mother-of-a-groom.” Your description of that is right on the money.
I literally am crying from how funny this one is. The concept of being disabled from schlepping the 8 gowns halfway from 6th to 7th Avenues did me in -- HILARIOUS! Not that I mean to make fun of people with disabilities, it's just that I can RELATE. I'm your age, and even without 8 floor-length beaded dresses, I've felt done in by shopping in stores. Like wordsmithlynn, I want to see your dress!
Happy New Year, Joyce - I look forward to reading more of your posts.
I hope more readers follow my shining example and PAY UP for subscriptions, because I really want to see that dress!
Me too.
That was laugh out loud funny.